Jokes

[Alicia]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot..

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
 

You're going to love this...........
 







You're going to hate yourself for loving this!............
 









'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!

 

[serious14]

Racist.  Reported.

Shameful behaviour from a moderator.

 

[hasbeen]

Just heard an almighty thud on my garage roof ... Tim Cahill's penalty just landed ...

 

[Capn Gus Bloodbeard]

A scumcastle fan was screweing his sister & she started laughing....
He asked "whats so funny?"
She said, "u screw like Dad." He replied:
"Yeah, thats what Mum said"

Fixed

 

[serious14]

 

[TerrigalUtd]

Just heard an almighty thud on my garage roof ... Tim Cahill's penalty just landed ...

Dont have to rub it in  :'(

 

[Ben]

lol very nice

 

[T]

*Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant!

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland. * *Recently a routine
Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. * *Late in
the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. *
*He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on
and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then
off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road. * *The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time,
now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly
pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
*
*"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated
decoy".*

 

[midfielder]

15,000 Scum Fans meet at the Energy Australia Stadium for a Scum  Fans Are Not
stupid Convention.

Con says, We are all here today to prove to all of Australia that Scum Fans are not stupid.
Can I have a volunteer.

Joel Griffo gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Con asks him, What is fifteen plus fifteen?

After 15 or 20 seconds Joel says, Eighteen!.

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 15,000 Scum Fans start chanting, GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!

Con says, Well since weve gone to the trouble of getting 15,000 of you in one place and we have the Australian press and broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.

So he asks, What is seven plus seven?

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, Ninety!

Con is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened.

Joel starts crying and the 15,000 Scum Fans begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!

Con, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, OK! OK! Just one more chance.

What is two plus two? Joel closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, Four!

Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 15,000 Scum fans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and screamGIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!

 

[Capn Gus Bloodbeard]

 

[Alicia]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?

Mum said :    "YOU should say  NO  - they only want to look at your knickers".

Susie said :  " I know they do that's why I hide them in my bag"!!

 

[midfielder]

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5"9" tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. .

"I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."

"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now," she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds "till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..."

"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!!

She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a c**t?" I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the kick..."

 

[Melsy - One step]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has anyone else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It gets worse........

next year......


2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong? 

 

[Ranyen]

Sorry to spoil your joke, but this year is year of the Ox. Next year is year of the Tiger, last year was year of the rat, and the year before was year of the pig.

But good joke though.

 

[dibo]

Seems someone wants to become the new Sgt Killjoy! That's my job!

 

[Melsy - One step]

Sorry to spoil your joke, but this year is year of the Ox. Next year is year of the Tiger, last year was year of the rat, and the year before was year of the pig.

But good joke though.

I suppose that's why its in the Joke section and not the Fact section of the forum.

 

[Alicia]

Sorry to spoil your joke, but this year is year of the Ox. Next year is year of the Tiger, last year was year of the rat, and the year before was year of the pig.

But good joke though.

I suppose that's why its in the Joke section and not the Fact section of the forum.

B

A

M

 

[Deej]

2 condoms are going for a walk, 1 says to the other "hey I'm thirsty do you fancy a drink?"

"Yeah sure" replies the other

So they stumble across a gay bar and 1 says to the other "hey do you fancy going there and getting shit faced?"

 

[Jimmy]

Sorry to spoil your joke, but this year is year of the Ox. Next year is year of the Tiger, last year was year of the rat, and the year before was year of the pig.

But good joke though.

I suppose that's why its in the Joke section and not the Fact section of the forum.

B

A

M

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

 

[FFC Mariner]

LONELY HEARTS ADS - WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN:

ADVENTUROUS = Likes anal.
ATHLETIC = No tits.
30-SOMETHING = 41
FUN = Annoying.
WILD = Gets pissed easily.
BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog.
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husband is a f**kin nutter.
NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny.
HEADSTRONG = Argumentative.
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic.
CURVY = Fat .
CUDDLY = Fatter
LIKES EATING OUT = Fat & cant cook